Everyone’s Son
What will you be for?
March 16, 2012Happy Friday!
April 13, 2012
Trayvon Martin
Can you image getting that call? It’s the call that every parent fears. It’s the call that tells you your beloved child, flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood, has died an untimely death. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children. The very thought tears my soul to pieces in a way I can’t describe. When I see the anguished but determined faces of Trayvon’s parents, I can only imagine their struggle to process his death while finding the strength to manage their grief and seek justice for him.
It is unnatural for a parent to bury a child.
For the last few days I’ve grappled with what I wanted to say about the Trayvon Martin case. I’ve struggled to articulate how the death of this young man has impacted me not just as a parent but as a black mother to a young son. I know that I’m not the only mother – scratch that – parent who has been moved by this story of a teenage boy who was gunned down before his life has barely begun. I know that I’m not the only parent who wonders how our country can quantum leap forward and elect our first black president on the one hand, while daily black mothers and fathers worry about their sons’ safety on the other. I know I’m not the only parent wondering how much longer our society can tolerate our gun-obsessed culture that has made our streets even more dangerous with laws like “Stand Your Ground”.
It’s clear that Trayvon Martin’s death has touched a chord with people of different faiths, races and socio-economic backgrounds. But this case has special resonance for black parents. We know that the world can be a dangerous place for our young men who, once they’ve reached their teen years, are often viewed as a menace to society just for being black. We know that our young black men are judged by what they wear, how they speak even how they walk. I think New York Times columnist Charles Blow most accurately captures the questions this case raises about race, profiling and fear black parents of sons experience . If you’ve not read his nuanced op-eds on this tragedy, they are well worth your time.
I look at my beautiful son and wonder how can I keep him safe?
I asked this question of my husband the other night. “How do we keep him safe?” When I look at pictures of Trayvon’s sunny, open smile and read his mother’s loving description of a boy who loved sports, math, was taking AP English and preparing for college, I think that could be my son. When D2 and I are out shopping on the weekends, people constantly stop us to chat, give him high-fives or just lean down and say (as they do down South)”That is one pretty baby.” I know though that in ten or twelve years time, those same people may cross the street , lock their car doors or hug their bags a little more tightly when they see him coming, because by then he’ll probably be built like his dad – muscular and well over six feet.
A recent picture of my son D2
And so like thousands of black parents have done before us (and like my parents did with my brother and Dr. D.’s parents did with him and his four brothers), we will have The Talk with D2 when he is old enough. We will talk to him about how to behave if stopped by the police (Keep your hands on the wheel. Look the officer in the eye. Don’t mumble. Don’t make sudden moves. Ask permission to reach for your wallet). We will talk to him about avoiding parties where drugs and alcohol are consumed because (as my mother said to us growing up) if he is one of the only black kids there, it will be his face that is remembered. We will talk to him about dressing to make a positive impression (School uniform, yes. Button-down shirt and waist-hugging trousers, yes. Sagging pants and baggy t-shirts, no.) We will make sure his teachers know we have high expectations of him. That we will expect more of him even if they do not. And even then, we know that no matter how well-dressed, how well-spoken, how good a student he is, there will be some who will simply judge him because he is a young black man.
We have an opportunity to have a real discussion.
At this writing, it’s not clear whether Trayvon’s killer will be arrested, though I am optimistic the special investigator will now fairly consider all of the evidence. I wish we lived in a “post-racial” society where we didn ‘t have to talk about why race still matters. I wish we didn’t have to talk about why young black men still are dispproportionately likely to die from gun violence than any other group in this country. What I know for sure is that while nothing can bring Trayvon back, we have an opportunity – family by family, community by community – to have a real discussion about what it will take for us to build communities that are safe and nuturing for all children, regardless of race or socio-economic background. Afterall, Trayvon Martin could have been anyone’s son and that makes him everyone’s son.
14 Comments
My husband and I had a long discussion last week about this and it is quite unfortunate for the parents and family as a whole. I listened to the 911 call Zimmerman made to the police and other 911 calls that neighbors made, and it was tragic to say the least. I will like to think that this is not a racial issue, but it is. And for those who argue that Zimmerman is hispanic, that is not the case. This is not about my race against your race, this is about the bias and stereotypes against black male. To be honest, I am scared to birth a male child, the statistics are staggering. As I type this, my husband just called me saying he will be running late because he is at a rally for Trayvon at his school. And that is exactly what I am most proud of, the fact that black and white, blue and green, whatever color of people are standing for what is right. I pray justice catches up with Zimmerman, no parent should have to bear the pain of losing their child through such heinous act.
Blessing, I think your point about bias and sterotypes against black males is spot on. I too think this case is, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, about race. It is a sad fact that the value of a young black man’s life in this country is very little. Still, I too am somewhat heartened by how this case has touched so many people of different races, faiths and backgrounds. I am hopeful and somewhat optimistic that justice will be meted out in this case – though I am impatient for how long it is taking, I have faith that American justice system will do right by Trayvon Martin and his mother and father. Let’s keep praying for them.
l also think you will enjoy this video, it is very timely – https://www.ted.com/talks/bryan_stevenson_we_need_to_talk_about_an_injustice.html?source=facebook#.T29xvL7SxGo.facebook
A touching and timely post that so poignantly describes the fears and hopes of parents everywhere. How unfortunate that it takes events like this to bring the dialogue – both public and private – to a deeper level. We like to think that we’re an enlightened and accepting society, but the facts tell us otherwise. Let’s hope this tragic moment becomes an opportunity for us as a nation to face the facts about the biases – racial, cultural, socioeconomic – that continue to threaten the safety of our communities and children everywhere. Thanks for a moving post.
Susan, thanks so much. I really couldn’t have said it better. I think each time a case like this happens (how many do we need?) it forces us to do some soul searching as a society and as a culture.
Thanks for sharing this post. My heart still aches about this tragic event. I really hoped I would never have to teach my son about racism {sigh} but the day will come. smh…….
Latorsha, I think we can still be optimistic but at the same time realistic. I think things are better for us than they were for our parents and their parents. Things will be better for our boys. At the same time, we still have to be vigilant. It IS sad that moms like us have to worry about this but seeing the public reaction to this case makes me feel that incrementally, our society is more aware of how racism, classcism still impact our children.
This post is spot on. I just recently found out I am carrying my hubby’s first child, and we both want a boy. But I have followed this case and my heart cries as I think about the struggles of protecting our children. The girls from the predators, boys from the streets and violence, even when they aren’t “street kids”, and protecting both from a biased society that will never come close to reflecting equal. This story is hurtful. I’m not so naive to think racism doesn’t exist, but how is it that law enforcement, who are supposed to “serve and protect” able to act so blatantly careless and it be ok. I am further touched by all the coming together of people in trayvons name, but we have to learn to come together beyond times of tragedy to ever have impact ful change. Thanks for the great post!
Lol at auto type changing my name…
Bijee – thanks for sharing your thoughts. When I was pregnant with my son, I had those exact same anxieties (and clearly I still do!). I think like Kajsa notes above when writing about her daughter, an important part of what we can do as parents is give our children stability and love. They need to know that we love them and support them no matter what. As much as I talk about what I fear for my son, I also know that as parents, we will do everything in our power to arm him with the knowledge he needs to make good choices when we are not around. No, I can’t protect him from everything (doesn’t stop me from trying, LOL), but I am committed to embuing him with wisdom, good sense and a strong faith which I hope will protect him when I cannot.
Wow, this situation has been tragic and I cannot fathom your fear in raising a young black boy. Hopefully it’s getting better, although the shootings in Portland recently would prove me wrong.
I will say, that raising a white daughter as a single parent is not the same, but is challenging. She is 6 1/2 and looks older. She is this young, yet society is telling her that she is sexualized. Although she only gets PBS and SPROUT (an offshoot of PBS) on TV at home, she is learning about these things at school. “A” goes to private Catholic school and she is asking me what sexy means, at 6 years old.
We can try to protect them in every way we can. “A” is in extra curricular science and sports, and I am trying to instill in her a strong sense of self worth. Her Teacher tells me that she is doing well in establishing herself and standing her own ground and stands up for her freinds in class. However I picked her up from school the other day and she was in tears because the trio of girls (who taught her who Justin Bieber is, she was stunned when she learned he wasn’t a beaver)were picking on her friends(not her). These kids are sexing things up at this tender age. I recently read an article that stated that girls are entering puberty now at the ripe old age of 6. I hope that my food and atmosphere choices will prevent that for “A”, but I cannot shield her from the world.
In that I see the similarities between what we face. Men will look at our kids and they will see something we do not want them to see. It is horrifying and scary. All we can do is teach them to respect themselves and react accordingly. That might mean holding the steering wheel of a car and looking an officer in the eye, or it might mean holding onto a phone and getting the hell out of a situation where you are threatened by another kind of man. It is a scary world out there. Never as much so, as when your child is on the line.
Kajsa – you are so very right. It is a tough environment for girls these days. I am stunned by how hypersexualized things are for even the youngest children. I remember when I saw those Bratz dolls, my jaw hit the floor. Everything in our popular culture encourages kids – especially girls- to grow up so fast. I saw a dateline on these young girls (maybe 13 or so) posting videos of themselves on YouTube asking people to vote if they were ugly or pretty. My heart broke. Girl society is so complex. Have you read the book “Reviving Ophelia” or “Queen Bees and Wanna Bees”? That was my first real look at the complexity of what young girls are going through today from bullying to peer pressure. It makes parenting very stressful. I agree that the early onset puberty (my niece started her period at nine!) only complicates the matter. We can try to protect our kids as much as we can, give them a good stable environment and hopefully help them make the right choices. I have no doubt the love and support you show your daughter will carry her through her childhood into the treacherous waters of teendom. Here’s hoping we can navigate those rocky waters! Thanks so much for sharing your POV. I really appreciate it.
I speak to my students all of the time about the expectations I have for them when we prepare to go on a field trip. I gently, but unwaveringly remind them though I know what kind of students they are, other peopple may not. The sight of 35 black and Latino kids can scare people- museums, restaurants, gift shops, and I let my students know that although it is not fair to judge, it is hurtful as well, but it is the reality we live in. Being the parent of a black child is even more of a social challenge because of the stereotypes placed on black children.
I also think that in this day and age we are increasingly rude, obnoxious and impolite as a society. We are allowing so much hate and negativity and ugliness into our public discourse and calling it politices, First Amendment, etc. The fact that an Iraqi woman from San Diego can be bludgeoned to death and there is no public outcry- in spite of the fact that there was a note left by her body and she had been threatened before with xenophobic comments, speaks volumes.
Trayvon Martin is everyone’s son and we are responsible as a society to protect all of its members.
Cynthia, I so agree with you about the level of hateful rhetoric that has become acceptable in our society and that somehow we have to accept it because it’s “free speech.” It’s nto acceptable and as a teacher I think you have such a powerful influence over the next generation. And no, it’s not fair that black and Latino kids (or any brown child for that fact) get singled out but the reality is that we have to teach these kids – our kids- survival skills. It is the sad reality of where things are today.